Learning About Teaching

Fourteen days ago, I extended my contract to stay in Korea.

Eight days later, I changed my mind and voided that contract.

By doing so, I won’t have a job as of September 1st.  I usually would think nothing of not having prospective options but for some reason, I am annoyed about this. I am not worried but I feel that at this point of my life, I should have a more concrete idea of what the hell I want.

Like always,  I have no idea. This infinite process of trial and error continues…

I am now certain that I don’t want to be a teacher. I reached this conclusion because I have the same problem now in Month Ten of this job that I had in Week One. I constantly take out my frustrations about the staff and administration on my students and it’s grossly unfair to them. It’s not a conscious decision but I am often frustrated with the system and I then wind up snapping on some fifteen year old kid.

This happened again last week. I was tested and angered by my co-teachers and some students from 9am till 2pm and shortly thereafter I flipped out on some poor kid who wasn’t even misbehaving or being noisy, but couldn’t understand me.  He was  sitting there quietly and not tearing his paper in half like I had asked about ten times and demonstrated twice.  I told him to look around. He didn’t understand me. I told him to look at everyone’s papers half the size of his. I shouted and shook my paper frantically. He stared at me, completely bereft of emotion or understanding. I ran to his desk, picked up his paper, crumpled it into a ball, threw it in his face and threw him out of class. I still cannot believe I did this. His only mistake was not understanding me. Which isn’t a mistake. He didn’t do anything wrong. Two minutes later, I went outside and he was facing the wall and visibly upset and confused. I told him to join the class again. When I brought him in, I couldn’t even look at him and I had to leave class, disgusted with myself. It turned out he is one of the most quiet boys in school and I still can’t get him to say a word to me.  I apologized to him after class and told my co-teacher to tell him in Korean that it was my mistake and I had a bad day. But really, who cares? People have bad days. That doesn’t give them the right to displace their anger and humiliate others. That kid probably thinks I’m a total asshole and he is right. Cos to him, I have to be. How could I not?  If you think about it, the only thing I taught him that day is that it’s okay for adults to become angry and throw things at children. Not my finest hour.

If  I can’t control myself then I am no better than a child and probably worse than half of them. Two weeks ago, I felt that leaving school was quitting on my students but I am now absolutely convinced that they will be better off with a new teacher, some one who will almost certainly be more patient, committed and able to make a difference.  Since I told my school I am leaving, the teachers have all been complimenting me a lot. The staff asks me to stay and the word they all use to describe me as a teacher is “sincere”. That means a lot to me because I think sincere is one of the best things anyone can be in this life. Although I am nowhere as efficient as I wish, for the school to recognize that I have given my sincere best everyday is very gratifying. Still,  I realize that sincerity is not enough. Far from it.

Teaching is great. The joy of getting something through to someone is very rewarding and trumps any “success” I have had at any other job. This job has left me looking forward to having my own children because  I would love to teach them, but while doing something else for a career.

It’s strange knowing I will probably never see any of these boys again. I wonder if they will achieve their dreams and what they will be like when they  grow up and have girlfriends and things like that.

I wind up missing everyone . I miss everybody. Leaving all these boys behind is going to be difficult. I imagine I will wonder about them the rest of my life.

I suppose being a teacher is about giving it all and then letting go.

It’s a tough business. Maybe the toughest there is. Too tough for me.

I like it dirty.

It’s been 7 weeks. 7 weeks of mostly good times. My life is like a pinata, its full of good stuff but there is some crap surrounding it as well. I am constantly winding up with my Louisville Slugger…

5 weeks ago, I went to Japan-  Osaka, Kyoto and Tokyo.

Japan was easily the most Japanese place I’ve ever been.

Osaka.

Munchies. Octopus and Cheese.

Yes.

I remember when I was nine years old, I was watching ‘The World this Week’ (the best news show of all time and the only English one in India circa 1989) and there was a story about how gates in Japanese schools shut automatically at precisely the same time each morning. So, if you were supposed to be in school at 8am, you better be there by 7:59 because at 8am those gates would close in. One morning, a young girl tried to beat the gates and they closed on her. Killed her. I decided there and then that I would never go to Japan or any place that kills you for being late. In my mind, it became symbolic of a robotic society where individuality and personality were squashed and machines and numbers ruled. It’s odd but so often, my point of view is dictated by something from my childhood. And even more so, it is influenced by a third party. I decided Japan was the pits because of an isolated incident as reported by Prannoy Roy.

Prannoy Roy

It took the movies to change my mind. If you know me, you know that I am loopy enough to be convinced of something by a news source and then completely unconvinced by a movie. Yes, ladies and gentleman, my own research rarely enters the equation. State your case well and you’ll have me on board. Of course, for how long is uncertain…

Around five years ago, I saw Lost in Translation and Kill Bill and that was enough. Japan looked vibrant and fun and I imagined pink-haired girls sashaying into school late and sticking their Hatari Hanso swords into the electronic gates, full on fashionistas lovin life and leavin a trail of dead, decapitated bodies in snowy rock garden after snowy rock garden. I have problems compartmentalizing.

Kill Bill snow garden fight

The Japan I would eventually visit could never live up to the Japan I imagined. But it did. That’s what surprises me. I have a stylized dream scenario of every place I go to and most times the place doesn’t live up to it. It’s great. It’s nice. It’s just not the  Shangri-la I dreamed about. But Japan was nice. Somewhat different from what I expected but it surpassed my hopes which were implausibly high. If I were to describe it, I wouldn’t do it justice. It’s intangibles that I can’t express. Besides, I would rather you go with a blank canvas than with mine. You will get more out of it that way. However, I will say this much – the country is probably not as expensive as you think and the Japanese are nicer than you could ever imagine. Simply an amazing people.

Typical Japanese Gentleman

Japan ended and I found myself back in the K. Although I missed Japan, the weather in Korea has been good and I have been enjoying myself. The biggest news was the arrival of my old school friend / victim from younger days-  Rap came over from Germany for 2 weeks and it was great. She read a book about Korea and constantly filled me in on the country I have been living in for 9 months now. For instance, when we went to Gyeongju (the ancient capital of Korea) she told me all about a famous bell there. As the bell gonged, Rap said to me “Ooh that’s the bell. Legend has it that when this bell was made during the days of the Silla dynasty, they killed a girl and put her blood into the metal they used for the bell. Now, when you hear it ring, if you listen closely you can also hear her blood curdling scream.” She said this in the most dramatic way possible. I got chills. It made me thank the Lord that Rap had never told any ghost stories when I was a boy. Anyway, you can imagine how awesome it was to have  nuggets like this coming at me constantly.

Ridin Dirty in Gyeongju

Anyway, so I am now 9 months in, it feels like a short time but I guess it’s been a while.  I feel like I officially live here, this is longer than any vacation. I still enjoy it out here. I keep thinking about whether to move out of the K  but I don’t know why I would or where I would like it better. For the time being , this feels like home.

If I was a blues guitar player, I would play on the streets in N’awlins. I would band some hard drinkin’ friends and we’d jam nights. Not a whole lotta talk. Lotta music. But, then if you took us and put us in a cutting edge studio, I’d feel like shit. I’d sit at the mixer with the knobs and the sheet music and I would want to kill myself. It would all be a little too clean for me, a little too bland. Too organized, polished and clinical. I am not a fan of places like that. Or people like that.

I just wanna riff.

The hot breeze.

The strange smells.

I like it dirty.

‘everything changes’

Gettin hairy

Gettin weary

Gettin bolder

Gettin older

Gettin fancy

Gettin antsy

Gettin strange

Things have changed.

Kinder, Taller, Hairier,

Smarter, Angrier, Scarier

From the minute of our birth

Till our last moment on Earth

As surely as we keep aging

We are always changing

For the good

and for the bad

Change makes you happy

and it makes you sad

Change can be a slow and long road

like an old man watching the soil erode

or Change can come in a blink

and still  make you think

Some change their style

Some change their minds

Some change once in a while

Some change all the time

Your body used to be another

one that you were used to

Now, it’s slightly different

You notice if you choose to

Your teeth aren’t as white

You know that I’m right

Your hairline is receding

 Glory is fleeting

Your memory is in total discord

You forget all of your passwords

You forget things you used to remember

I think mom’s birthday is in December…

Isn’t it?

Changes are consistent as the sun coming up

every morning

As consistent as getting sleepy every night

and yawning.

Some people hate change

while some people love it

Some get trampled underfoot

and some rise above it

for

When you are through changing

then you are through.

You’ve become antiquated

overcome by things anew

Change will overtake you

while you are idle

Fighting change

is simply suicidal

Like black and white TV

put to sleep by Technicolor

you stayed the same but

now you’ve become duller

You could be in a vacuum

and never ever change

but those around you would

and say that you’ve become strange.

It’s that simple.

Everything changes.

Everything changes.

Trends change.

Friends change.

Cars change.

Stars change.

Eyes change.

Lies change.

Seasons change.

Reasons change.

Stuff changes.

Love changes.

Hate changes.

Fate changes.

Change changes.

Strange changes.

The world changes.

Your girl changes.

Never changes.

Forever changes.

Your plan changes.

Your fam changes.

The land changes.

A man changes.

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